Whose voice are you hearing?

Have you stopped to consider, recently, who exactly it is who's berating you when you look in the mirror?

Is the voice saying, "Ugh, gross," or "Who would want all this?" really your own? Who's hurling insults as you while you eat cake at your best friend's birthday party? Whose voice is coming out of your own body when you meekly tell your friends you were "bad", "awful", or "a piece of shit" for skipping the gym? And whose voice are you channeling when you see another person and utter something akin to "she should ~not~ be wearing that"?

Next time you look in the mirror, take a few moments, breathe deeply, and really listen. When you hear a statement in your mind, focus gently on it. Repeat it a few times, mentally. Can you see, feel, or understand who gave it to you? Was it a message you got from your parents, a teacher, your religion? Or did you gather it over time, breathing it in from the air around you like black mold, until it took root inside you?

Just as we must be carefully taught to love ourselves, we must also be taught to hate ourselves. Hating our bodies and our being is not inherent, natural, or inevitable. Someone taught you to hear and say these things about yourself.

Now imagine you can grasp this message in your hand, and give it back to whoever, or whatever, gave it to you. Visualize the phrase leaving your space and returning to theirs. And breathe.

You don't need their voice any longer. Replace it with your own, loving voice.

Self-Advocacy is Self-Love

Last Saturday, I treated myself to a massage. After my last massage, I got an email from the company asking for my feedback. At the end of the survey there was a free-form box asking if there was anything else I'd like to add.

In the box, I said it would be helpful if they would look into getting a table width extender to attach to the massage table. The tables are slightly too narrow for me, so I expend energy throughout my massage using various methods of keeping my arms from falling off the table. I'm not able to fully relax my muscles.

When I arrived at my massage appointment last weekend, my massage therapist said she got my feedback and understood where I was coming from. She hadn't been able to get a width extender yet, but she had set up two stools on either side of the massage table, each with a pillow on top. I climbed onto the massage table, and she positioned the stools to the side and slightly below my head. I was able to bend my arms slightly and rest them on the pillows.

And it was one of the most enjoyable massages I'd ever had. I was completely relaxed, my muscles accepted deeper pressure than usual, and it was less painful. Is this what a massage is like for everyone whose body is accommodated by the equipment? I might never have known what I was missing out on if I hadn't made myself vulnerable and asked.

Is there something your body needs that you might get if you tell someone you need it? Can your loved ones, care givers, doctors, or other service people do something small to make your life better or more comfortable? Do the bold thing and try asking for it; see what happens!

I've been asked this more than once: "I want to love my body, but how do I do it? How do I get where you are?"

It seems like an insurmountable task to many of us. And it doesn't help that when I'm asked this question, I make sure to qualify my answer by saying that I've been working on it for nearly 20 years, and it's something I still cultivate daily. There's no magic pill or quick fix when it comes to digging yourself out from under a lifetime of emotional abuse and negative conditioning around your body.

Body love is a skill. And, as you would with learning any skill, it helps to start small.

So, if you're willing to try one small thing, try this.

Choose a part of your body. Literally any part will do, from your eyelids to your toe bones to your pancreas. If you're feeling daring and strong, choose a part of you that you particularly dislike or find upsetting.

Now, think of something which that part of your body does well, and thank that part for what it does for you.

For me, today, I choose my fingers. I'm sometimes insecure about my wide, stubby fingers. They're generally clumsy. I have hair on my knuckles. But my fingers are really good at typing. They're so good at typing that I've been able to use my typing skill in service to people with disabilities. My typing skills kept me employed through the great recession. And now, they make my job as a busy software engineer that much easier. Thank you, fingers! I appreciate you.

You could celebrate the teeth that make up your smile. The arms that are strong enough to lift your children. The legs that pedal your bike along your favorite trail. It doesn't have to be about appearance at all if you don't want it to be. And it doesn't have to be a grand confession of love, either. Just thanks and appreciation.

Your body is your partner in your life on Earth. Loving our bodies is about more than just being okay with how we look. It's about acknowledging the relationship we have with them.

Why play a game you cannot win, when you didn't agree to the rules?

There exist a lot of compulsions and "shoulds" with regard to how we maintain and care for our bodies.

I learned every single one as a tween and a young teen. Girls and women shaved their body hair, wore makeup whenever possible (flawlessly), dressed in restrictive clothing to hide "imperfections", were constantly dieting, and worried first and foremost about what boys and men thought of their appearance and performance of all of these ... rules. Adequate performance of the rules equaled sexiness, and sexiness equaled value. Period, end of story.

I went years without even questioning any of the above. No one ever mentioned an alternative. And as someone who didn't care about makeup (and was really bad at using it!), couldn't access the "right" kind of sexy and fashionable clothing (because I had no money and those clothes weren't made in my size), and for whom dieting and exercise made no visible difference whatsoever, that meant that I had no value. I had no value in my own perception, and I assumed I had no value in the eyes of others, either.

And yet, it didn't occur to me that the rules were the problem. Not until much later, when I discovered radical, rebellious mentors whose words shattered everything I knew.

And I know now that the rules are unjust. The rules are oppressive. The rules were created on purpose, the rules are violent, and the rules are a lie. They exist to control, and that is why they are enforced as ubiquitous. They must become unconscious, unquestioned. Those who question must be shunned, mocked, and seen as lesser.

Whenever you see another person as beautiful, just as they are, you are rebelling. When you ask yourself why it is that you seek to change your body, you are fighting. When you catch yourself having negative thoughts about another person's appearance, and you interrupt those thoughts, you win a battle. When you give up living for the consumption of an omniscient Other, you're victorious.

(I want to acknowledge that some of us must play by the rules--in order to keep our jobs/advance our careers, or in some cases, in order to stay alive. Raising both middle fingers to the rules isn't an option for everyone, and we must accept that it isn't our business whether or why someone follows the rules.)

What Do You Mean by 'Fat Healing'?

It's safe to say that if you've found your way to a blog titled 'Fat Healing', that you've become aware of a disconnect between 'yourself' -- that is, your mind, heart, and/or soul -- and your body.

Perhaps it shows up as a hateful tape looping over and over in your head when you look in the mirror. Or a barrage of shame and guilt if you eat a 'bad' food. Or self-hatred and anger at yourself if you don't work out one day (or ever). It might show up as wishes that persist, or as your silent prayers every evening, asking the universe or God to fulfill a need that you can't even describe.

For many of us, this is all we've known our entire lives. The self-hatred, the never-ending desire for a different body, the neglect of other aspects of our lives as we seek relief from the torment that comes with living in an imperfect human body on our modern Earth.

When I title this blog "Fat Healing," I want to let you know that it is more than possible to escape this unpleasant merry-go-round of shame, self-hatred, and feelings of unworthiness. It's possible to heal from the damage we sustain by living in a world that insists we hate our bodies. We can take ownership of our bodies and our futures. We can live a more complete life, where our bodies are once again connected to our hearts, spirits, and minds.

You can begin healing your connection with your body right now. Today. And your body will be whatever it will be.

Are you brave enough to try it?